Shit

Apparently by Matt radar I have a lot of shit to deal with. so i am going to just say it all here rite here rite now. I'm still in love with Matt, but now i realize I'm not in love with Matt. I'm in love with what we had, with what I felt, with what I want to try again on and change because i regret doing it. Thats wat I'm in love with not him.....a part of me still says I am. But he was my first love and first loves live and are lost. I was raped. Yup thats right I am a rape victim. And it has greatly affected my life. It hurts and pains me inside knowing that people do that and that it happened to me. It makes me mad that the evil bastard took advantage of me in a brutal and forceful way. And wat he did to me still hurts. I can still feel him on me and hurting me and bruising me. The way he tied me up in the back of his car and duck taped my mouth. How he dripped hot wax on my skin and genital area as I screamed in pain and to him it was all just pleasurable. He just hovered over me with a grin and expression pure pleasure overwhelmed his face. All the horrible things he did to me still affect me today. They affect how I feel and how I interact with others, especially in relationships (I get scared a lot about certain things and aspects in a relationship). And all the memories I have and the scars and the pains I still have with me. Because I cant just let them go. Maybe keeping them with me can some how make me a stronger person. But I don't know. All I know is that it will never happen again. not ever and definitely not to anyone I know. (don't worry y'all he is in jail now for a very long, long time). It scares me.things I did during my relationship with Matt. Ex.1 Max: I was curious. Ex.2 Alex: I was in desperate need of comforting because Matt would not stop being so mean to me. I looked for comfort when I couldn't find it and I found some in Alex. And then it went a little too far. I was drunk, he was drunk and on pills ( I think I might have taken one too). We horny and we did it. Everyone knows we did it, except for Liz. So Liz if you read this and you start saying stuff go ahead because really you're the only one that doesn't know the truth. I don't regret it because it was the greatest sex of my life, but I do regret doing it. Because it caused me so much pain. I did it in selfishness. And lost a great love. I regret it because it hurt Matt so bad. And I'm really sorry for hurting you Matt. If I could take it back I would. I didn't know you loved me that much at the time. At the time I thought you hated me and wanted nothing to do with me and were just going to end it. I didn't know that you loved me anymore cause you really didn't show it. I didn't know. When you're young you dont know anything because you're just beginning to experience it all. Ex.3 Mike: I had an attraction to Mike that I never applied myself to and didn't apply my self to. Meaning I never did anything with Mike while I was with Matt. But I had such a strong attraction with him and I was wishing for something I couldn't have which made me want it even more. Because he was an Aries and had a lot of things in common with me. More than I had with Matt. But what Matt and I had was mutual. We may have never liked any of the same things (which is completely untrue cause we have a lot in common) we still loved each other. And I miss that. I miss him holding me like he loved me, like he used to. And feeling comfort and security whenever he did. I miss his loving touch, his soft caress and how he would tell me I was beautiful. I don't hear that much in my lifetime. And even now he just calls me sexy. Which means he looking at my body.
Body: When a guy calls you.....

When a guy calls you hot hes looking at your body
When a guy calls you pretty hes looking at your face
When a guy calls you beautiful he is looking at your soul

When a girl calls you.....

When a girl calls you sexy shes looking at your body
When a girl calls you cute shes looking at your face
When a girl calls you sweety shes looking at your personality
When a girl calls you gorgeous shes looking at your soul

So say this thing. I miss him. The one I used to know and love. I miss it. I miss it all so much. I cry so often about it that it's jut pathetic, but I do. I can't remember any more examples unless Matt reminds me of another one. So I think that's all. My time spent after Matt was more like a grieving process for losing someone you loved. It hurt really bad and it took 6 months to get over him (half a year and thats pathetic). Or at least to move on to the next guy. Next subject: I am a compulsive liar. I don't know why and I just can't help it. Sometimes these things just fly out of my mouth before I can even stop them. Or think about what I just said. Sometimes I take it back, but only in front of Mark my BFF. He is helping me a lot with lying a lot less. He always catches me in a lie and he always tells me to take it back and then asks me why I do it. And everytime I tell him the same answer: When I was little and in public school. I had to lie a lot to get kids to like me and it stuck with me. Or I'll say it just to have something important to say. Those are usually the reasons I come up with. New subject: My morals. I miss them and I want them, but I can't have them because I have changed. So maybe new ones should be made so I can actually live by them. Like here is a new one I will not have sex within the first month with a guy (I know that may seem like nothing, but to me it's a real challenge) or with anyone else other than that guy. I mean if I dont keep up to this rule at least it'll be with the guy I am going out with and not cheating on him. New subject: T.J. I have always liked T.J. and wished that there could be something more. But was too afraid to tell him, even when he asked me about it. I like him a lot and would like something more. But he has a girlfriend. Ever since I told him that I wasn't interested. Really I was. I was just too scared. And now I'm jealous. Yes I will admit that I am jealous that T.J. is with someone else. But the worst part of it all is that his girlfriend will not let me see him because she thinks I'm competition. What is the point of having a really really really close friend (my best friend) when I'm not allowed to see him. I can't even just hang out at his house for 10 minutes because I'm sure she would have a problem with it and T.J. might be uncomfortable with it because she doesn't want it. I want my friend back. I call him and I only talk for a minute because either he is busy or he is with Jenny (his gf) or talking to Jenny on the other line or something. I want my friend back. I want him back so badly. I always get mad at him because he doesn't give me the time of day when he should. But he chooses his girl over his friends and so I see how it is. And thats what I get mad about. I cry about this a lot because I hate losing friends. I don't want Jenny to go away I like Jenny and she is my friend. But I wish she would let me talk to him. See him. Be a friend to him. Cause I'm dying here Jenny. I need a friend to talk to, but you're taking up all his time. I swear I'm gonna burst and it ain't going to be pretty. Instead it'll be a bloody mess with my heart in his hands and blood on the walls. Death brings such sweet joy in times like these. Jenny I just want to have a friend and you are taking the only friend I have at Casa away from me. I only have one friend now and that is myself. But I want my true friend back. Just give him back and I'll be ok.